Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm back on

I am so sick of being fat and avoiding having my picture taken.  I'm so sick of feeling like an old, past my prime, invisible dufus.  I'm SO tired of my pants being so tight and only being able to fit into the biggest of the sizes I have.  I'm so frustrated trying to diet.  I really really hate dieting because you do what you think you are supposed to do, and suffer and then get on the scale at the end of the week and there's been no change.  I'm so tired of trying to think of it as a "lifestyle" change because the more I've tried to think of it like that, the more like bullshit it seems. Lifestyle Change sounds so mild and casual when what I'm dealing with here is a major problem.  The lifestyle change can come after I lose 20 pounds, right now it's an emergency.

Eating for me is like a bad habit.  If I was a smoker I could just STOP smoking.  If I was a drinker I could STOP drinking, but I'm a chronic over-eater and guess what?  I can't just stop eating.  But that is how I've decided to think of it.  I am going to stop eating.   I know that isn't possible unless I want to starve to death and I would NEVER let that happen, but I have to think of this like breaking a bad habit.  I am going to stop eating for any reason but having enough energy to struggle through the day.  It probably won't work, but what the fuck else am I going to do?  I'm at a loss.  I have to think of food as subsistence and not recreation.  I have to think of sugar as poison because really, that's what it is.  It's delicious poison, like cyanide or anti-freeze is, but it's poison nonetheless.  Before I started this drastic diet, I recorded what I ate on Slimkicker and saw that every day I was WAY over the recommended sugar intake.  Fruit and veggies provide more than enough sugar so sweets have no place in my diet.

The first stage of this process is desperation.  I am on a less-than-a-thousand calorie regimen until I lose enough weight where my pants aren't uncomfortable.  I figure that will take at least a couple weeks.  Then hopefully the next stage won't be so desperate and I can up the calorie intake to between 1000 and 1200 a day.

Also, I'm using the Slimkicker site that I mentioned before because of the nutrition stats it provides.  I can see exactly how much cholesterol, protein, sodium, sugar, carbs, fat and calories I'm eating every time I log in what I ate.  My goal is to keep all the things pretty much even but it's proving to be hard.  I have been eating eggs for breakfast every day and that puts me over the cholesterol level right away.  I have a hard time getting enough protein so I bought meat and fish and beans today to try to increase that.  I always worried that Diet Coke was way to high in sodium but that's B.S.  My daily allowance for sodium is 2400 mgs and a DC only has 40 mgs.  I'd have to have 60 Diet Cokes to reach the limit.  Yeah, sixty.  One baby dill pickle has 110 mgs of sodium.  So Diet Coke is my guilt free treat and the only concession I'm giving myself.

I've been at this now for three days, ever since my sister and I went to McDonalds and I had a Big Mac meal and instantaneously got diarrhea.  It's like that burger was on a slide and shot out of me in about 20 minutes.  Needless to say, I felt like crap all day.  And why?  For 15 minutes of enjoying the overprocessed beef and secret sauce?  No thanks.  Also, a few weeks ago I had some Cheez Its, which I love, but they sat in my stomach like a tudball.  Not worth it.  Ralph Nader said once that when he was a kid and wanted junk food, his mother said that he can't be a slave to his tongue.  Good point, Mrs. Nader!  Look how skinny Ralph is.

I'm not very good at dealing with discomfort so I don't know how this is going to work out.  Wish me luck.  

1 comment:

  1. GOOD LUCK!! You did great at lunch and inspired me to get on with it as well. Had a sub from Subway for dinner (with no chips or soda) and will continue with my "lifestyle change" tomorrow....stick with it!!