Wednesday, March 14, 2012


So I have decided that the ultimate KEY to my success is to be on top of my numbers, every minute, every day.  When I'm not THAT DILIGENT, I fail.  EVERY time.

So my plan is this:  Go with my new calorie number.  It's pathetically low; 900-1000 calories per day.  But the sad sad sad sad sad fact is, I LOSE WEIGHT when I eat this amount, and I DON'T LOSE WEIGHT when I eat more than this.  So, what are my options???  I've been counting calories for TWELVE years.  I know my Magic Number; have ALWAYS KNOWN IT.  I just didn't think I could do it.  And seriously, 900-1000 calories per day is a ridiculously tiny amount of sustenance.  The key to surviving on so little is to make EVERY single calorie count.  In other words....... ALL REAL FOOD.  Fresh veggies and fruits.  Lean meats and fish and shrimp.  NO WHEAT.  NO white-flour carbs of ANY KIND.  (Bye-bye, crackers... bagels... cereal... pasta... chips... FUN... )  And beverages - don't even get me started here.  ICE WATER.  Hot tea, cold tea, tea tea tea.  Mineral water. (Aaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!)  NO POP - diet or real.  <sniff>

I know, I know.  It sounds horrendous.  But you know what's even MORE horrendous? 

ME:  In jeggings I've worn since Christmas, because they're the only thing I own that fits. 
ME:  With my 25-year high school reunion looming, and 27 pounds yet to lose. 
ME: Yo-yoing since I started dieting in September of 2010!!! 
ME:  Wah-wah-wah-ing to anyone who will listen, when I know as well as anyone that the only person who is going to get these 108 sticks of lard off my ass is my own pathetic loser self. 
ME:  Who is fit enough to do the elliptical, the treadmill, or go for a walk outside, but who makes every excuse in the book why "I can't do it today." 
ME:  Who will be 27 pounds over-weight forever, if I don't just fucking throw some ice water over my head, get up OFF my fat ass, and do something about this problem that controls my thoughts, my attitude, my time, my days, my LIFE.  ME.  ME ME ME ME ME. 
Yeah, ME.

So it's ON like Donkey Kong, bitches.  And I mean that in the sweetest way!  Time to clean out the cupboards and get the crap out of reach.  How can we be expected to resist food cravings when we surround ourselves with the wrong food options???  We CAN'T.  NOBODY CAN.  Eat up what you have left, and then get to the store.  I just went.  I stocked up both the fridge at home and at work with all of my favorite healthy options for breakfasts (oatmeal, Ezekiel bread for toast, eggs, Greek yogurt, fruit), lunches (gobs of fresh veggies, hummus, lettuce, berries, chicken breasts to bake, low calorie-low-sodium soups, tuna) dinners (venison, shrimp, tilapia, more veggies, brown rice, sweet potatoes), and snacks (gluten-free protein bars, homemade venison slim jims, low-fat string cheese, rice crackers, popcorn, more veggies & fruits, etc.). 

It's amazingly easy to find healthy stuff to eat when you put enough time and effort into really thinking about what you LIKE.  I am finding that there are plenty of healthy things I like to eat - I don't have to starve, even when I'm starving.  Today, I'm staying within my calorie limit: 900-1000 total, spread out over the whole day, and I'm not feeling hungry.  The protein in my eggs, Greek yogurt, and string cheese have squashed my usual cravings.  Eat the right foods... cravings don't happen!  I'm eating so much fresh produce now that I could probably support a small organic farm myself.  I'm pretty happy we have decent gardens at home, because I'm going to be FARMING this summer!

The exercise has to happen for me, period.  The elliptical is good - I don't hate it.  I can throw in a True Blood episode and I don't even notice I'm sweating away.  Same goes for the treadmill.  I also LOVE Tae Bo - it's tough to get through the Basic Workout the first 4 or 5 times you do it, but it's only 20 minutes!!!  And I lose weight when I do it just once a week, and after a few times, it's totally do-able without complaining.  The ab/agility ball is another thing I have to implement.  I bought one, and have never used it - even though it came with an instruction booklet showing a dozen different ways to strengthen my core, flatten my abs, etc.  WHY would I let it sit in the bathtub for 6 fucking months?!?!  Tell me THAT.

So it's on - I'm doing it.  My best tip:  SET GOALS.  Little ones, for every few weeks:  Mine look like this:

By March 31st (St. Scholastica Pow Wow) - 6 or 7 pounds to lose
By April 21st (UWS Pow Wow) - 8 or 9 more pounds to lose
By May 5th (Fond du Lac Pow Wow) - 5 or 6 more pounds to lose
By June 1st - final few pounds to lose!!!!!!!

And each time I reach a mini-goal, I'm rewarding myself!!!  With a NON-FOOD item!!!

At my 3/31 goal, I'm getting waxed & a new piercing, in St. Paul.  (Mid-life crisis, ya know...don't ask...)
At my 4/21 goal, I'm getting my hair cut & colored - I've never had a pro color it!
At my 5/5 goal, I'm getting a new tattoo - and two new piercings.  Yep.  (The child-free trip to St. Paul is part of the reward, duh!)
At my 6/1 goal, I'm getting adjusted (YEAH!) by my cute chiropractor, and I'm getting a MASSAGE!!!

Go for it, ladies!!!  GOALS.  Small and do-able.  FUN rewards!  PAMPER yourselves for succeeding at the most loathsome task ever invented:  Peeling fat from the body, without the benefit of sharp tools.  DISGUSTING!!!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Half-Assing It

I have been doing horrible on the diet front this week.  I just LOVE food so much!  And I hate feeling hungry, like really really hate it.  I see areas where I could improve though, for instance like yesterday when I came home from school and I was STARVING.  I could have had a banana or a piece of toast, but instead I had about 30 crackers with cream cheese on them.  They were SO good, but not exactly beneficial to the diet.

I have been exercising pretty regularly about every other day.  I really pushed it on the elliptical the other day and I think I made my heart muscle sore because my chest still feels weird.  But maybe I'm getting a cold.  I did one of my old workout tapes the other day and was absolutely crippled with muscle soreness yesterday.  I hate when my legs are so sore that I have to put a hand down between my legs to support my weight before I sit down on the toilet or else I will collapse and probably break the seat.

I hate to admit this, but it seems I am the only person looking at this blog lately so I will go ahead and tell you.  I haven't put on a clean pair of pants in two weeks.  Isn't that gross?  I just can't face it.  And the dirty pants are so comfortable.  I also can't face buying a size bigger.

Monday is weigh day and the weekend isn't looking promising as far as being a good dieter.  I dread looking at the scale but I'm going to make myself.

Monday, March 5, 2012

One week and STILL fatter than ever!

I've been dieting again for a week.  I stayed within a calorie range that is supposed to make me lose 1.5 pounds per week, and I went to the Y and did elliptical a few times and, of course, shoveled snow.  I ate less and was more active than I have been in weeks and guess how much I lost?  ZERO POUNDS!!!!  Maybe I'm just stopping the weight gain train and it will take a few weeks.  Right?  Right?????  That must be it.

Dieting highlights my character flaws and I don't want my character flaws highlighted.  If I don't succeed almost immediately, I want to quit.  I'm a quitter.

That's what I think is the hardest thing about dieting.  Struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try again, struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try REALLY hard struggle struggle struggle - lose half a pound when you feel like you should have lost 5.  It sucks.  I'm going to have to shove my fat ass into another pair of too-tight clean pants and live with the cramps, gas and camel toe that goes with it.  Fuck.