I'm back on

I am so sick of being fat and avoiding having my picture taken.  I'm so sick of feeling like an old, past my prime, invisible dufus.  I'm SO tired of my pants being so tight and only being able to fit into the biggest of the sizes I have.  I'm so frustrated trying to diet.  I really really hate dieting because you do what you think you are supposed to do, and suffer and then get on the scale at the end of the week and there's been no change.  I'm so tired of trying to think of it as a "lifestyle" change because the more I've tried to think of it like that, the more like bullshit it seems. Lifestyle Change sounds so mild and casual when what I'm dealing with here is a major problem.  The lifestyle change can come after I lose 20 pounds, right now it's an emergency.

Eating for me is like a bad habit.  If I was a smoker I could just STOP smoking.  If I was a drinker I could STOP drinking, but I'm a chronic over-eater and guess what?  I can't just stop eating.  But that is how I've decided to think of it.  I am going to stop eating.   I know that isn't possible unless I want to starve to death and I would NEVER let that happen, but I have to think of this like breaking a bad habit.  I am going to stop eating for any reason but having enough energy to struggle through the day.  It probably won't work, but what the fuck else am I going to do?  I'm at a loss.  I have to think of food as subsistence and not recreation.  I have to think of sugar as poison because really, that's what it is.  It's delicious poison, like cyanide or anti-freeze is, but it's poison nonetheless.  Before I started this drastic diet, I recorded what I ate on Slimkicker and saw that every day I was WAY over the recommended sugar intake.  Fruit and veggies provide more than enough sugar so sweets have no place in my diet.

The first stage of this process is desperation.  I am on a less-than-a-thousand calorie regimen until I lose enough weight where my pants aren't uncomfortable.  I figure that will take at least a couple weeks.  Then hopefully the next stage won't be so desperate and I can up the calorie intake to between 1000 and 1200 a day.

Also, I'm using the Slimkicker site that I mentioned before because of the nutrition stats it provides.  I can see exactly how much cholesterol, protein, sodium, sugar, carbs, fat and calories I'm eating every time I log in what I ate.  My goal is to keep all the things pretty much even but it's proving to be hard.  I have been eating eggs for breakfast every day and that puts me over the cholesterol level right away.  I have a hard time getting enough protein so I bought meat and fish and beans today to try to increase that.  I always worried that Diet Coke was way to high in sodium but that's B.S.  My daily allowance for sodium is 2400 mgs and a DC only has 40 mgs.  I'd have to have 60 Diet Cokes to reach the limit.  Yeah, sixty.  One baby dill pickle has 110 mgs of sodium.  So Diet Coke is my guilt free treat and the only concession I'm giving myself.

I've been at this now for three days, ever since my sister and I went to McDonalds and I had a Big Mac meal and instantaneously got diarrhea.  It's like that burger was on a slide and shot out of me in about 20 minutes.  Needless to say, I felt like crap all day.  And why?  For 15 minutes of enjoying the overprocessed beef and secret sauce?  No thanks.  Also, a few weeks ago I had some Cheez Its, which I love, but they sat in my stomach like a tudball.  Not worth it.  Ralph Nader said once that when he was a kid and wanted junk food, his mother said that he can't be a slave to his tongue.  Good point, Mrs. Nader!  Look how skinny Ralph is.

I'm not very good at dealing with discomfort so I don't know how this is going to work out.  Wish me luck.  

How Many Times Have I Started Over? And Should It MATTER?!

I am, once again, reinventing my weight-loss strategy.

I have 27 pounds to lose in 74 days, or roughly 2.55 pounds per week.  This is borderline too ambitious for me (for most people?!), but you know what???  I have ALWAYS performed better under extreme pressure.  I am convinced this is why I sabotage myself when trying to lose weight:  If I don't have a deadline; a goal date by which I MUST HAVE THE POUNDS GONE, then my unspoken mantra tends to be, "What's the rush???"

So, onward.  I wanted to type a big long spiel tonight and I've spent most of the past two hours IMing with people I haven't talked to in awhile, so... I will post more asap.  I still check this blog every day or two, because I do get pumped up reading about everyone else's trials and tribulations and successes and tips and ideas and great food info.!  Keep it all coming, ladies!  And thank you for sharing!!!  :o)

Slimkicker - Cool New Website

Like every middle aged American woman, I'm overweight and I fret about it.  I could stand to lose about 30 (50) pounds but I HATE dieting.  I know how to do it.  I know I have to eat different foods than would be my first choice, but come on, when I'm craving salt and vinegar kettle chips, can I settle for rye crisp instead?  No way.  I'd rather eat nothing.  I hate that.  Part of the problem is that dieting is so lonely.  If you talk about it with people not dieting they are bored out of their skulls because nobody cares if I got up early and did a workout, or if I ate half a jar of pickles instead of a sleeve of Ritz Crackers.  But when I'm dieting, it's almost all I can think about.

Things I've done in the past to lose weight:

1.  I once did nothing but count calories and I lost about 25 pounds.  I didn't exercise, and I ate whatever I wanted but stopped when I hit my calorie limit.  There were days when I only ate chocolate chip cookies and drank pop.  I gained all the weight back plus more.

2.  I exercised so hard for a few months that I lost weight and changed the shape of my bod, but there is no way I could have maintained that level of exercise for the rest of my life.  It was brutal.

3.  Found some apps that track food and calories.  That was kind of fun because there is no way I can lose weight unless I keep track of what I am eating.  It's like trying to do accounting without knowing the dollar amounts of what you are actually accounting for.

The first option was stupid.  There is nothing there worth adapting. I probably lost muscle and gained fat.  The second option was good, but like I said, being who I am, I could never keep it up.  Moderation is the key for me when it comes to exercise.  The third option was fun, but got kind of tedious after a while.

I got an email from a woman a while back that said she was on a team developing a weight-loss website and would I be interested in reviewing it on my blog?  I told her I would try it out and write about it.  I am not really in a dieting mode lately, but I thought I'd join the site and go through the motions anyway just for the review.  I LOVE the site.  It's called Slimkicker and it's at Slimkicker.com.

Its more like social networking than keeping a food log.  I joined the site, made a profile, entered my ideal weight and we were off.  It calculated what I need for calories and nutrition.  I have to enter food into a log, and I think almost every food - brand name and restaurant included - is in the database.  After I enter my food in I can click onto a nutritional allowance page and see if I got enough of the nutrients I need.  I think this is fascinating.  I never get enough fat or protein.  I always go way over on carbs and sugar.  I'm pretty good at getting the right amount of calories, fiber, and cholesterol, but I'm way out of whack on the rest.  I never knew that before.

I like how this site is more like a game than a diet.  You get points and can move up levels when you earn enough points.  You get points for entering food, exercising, eating good foods, doing challenges etc.  I get a little thrill when I eat some peppers or something and get a bunch of points.  When I earn enough points to go up a level, I get a treat.  My treat that I chose is a cupcake.  (Holy counter productive!)  You can get friends on the site too.  I have a bunch already and they check in with me and ask how I'm doing.  I love it!  I'm still not in a dieting mood and don't really feel like reaching any kind of weight deadline or goal, but I'm having fun playing on the site and I feel good when I meet my nutritional needs and don't go over or stay too far under.  It's fun!  You should check it out.  If you decide to join, friend me!

Hey Chunkers!!

Anne here!  I'm alive and doing fairly well.  I go thru some pretty intense carbing out phases...seems like an every other week regimine.  I do really good at avoiding the crap, then I binge like a mad woman.  Then I feel like crap...physically and emotionally.  This has been a relatively good week with the exception of yesterday... I ate a half a pizza and then we went to friggen Cold Stone.  That place is EVIL!!!  EEEEEVVVVIIILLLL!!!! 

But I have been kicking ass in my workouts, which has also kicked my appetite in high gear.  I'm always hungry it seems and I want to take an entire roast beef and sit in a locked room and have my way with it!  Protein. GOOD.    Dr. Pat has got me swinging a 60 lbs bell.  YES!  I can do it!!  I hate/love it.  I just loathe the idea of picking up that heavy ass bell and hoisting it from between my legs up to eye level.  I wet myself.  No matter how hard I try to empty out the bladder, there's always a squirt or two (or 1/4 cup) left for pissing myself.  Thank you to the makers of Poise for making it a little more descrete for me. 

But, BUT!! the second I'm done and I drop that weight on the floor I feel insanely amazing!!  Like I could cry tears of joy.  I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I feel like I'm floating off the ground.  Dr. Pat is currently training a guy that does fighting.  I think it's like a mixed martial arts thing...need to get more details, but he tells me that I can press more than this guy and he's in phenom shape.  It's so inspiring to know that I can do that! 

Some days later, I'm seeing the results in the mirror and I'm even happier.  After my last weigh in, I've lost something like 24 or 26 lbs and I love that I've done it the right way. 

Kristin! I have another thing for you to read... in addition to "the wheat belly", now there's "Diabesity".  Google it!  I'm reading an article about it in a magazine that Lisa gave me.  Let's get real about our blood sugar!   When I'm done devouring this article and comprehending all the info, I'll come back here and write about it.   It's enough to scare a person straight.

p.s.  I'm back in therapy.   Just when I thought I was done sitting in that lovely comfy chair in my counselors office...BAM!  I'm back...  As easy as it is for me to say "You're either with me or you're not" to my loved ones that aren't exactly the best supportors, it was taking it's toll.  Anne was sad.  Mr. J is helping me with that though...he did say that change, even a positive change, can bring some resistance from others around us and we're working on that.  Brian has even agreed to join me in some of my sessions... I don't think he even realizes that he can be a real negative nelly.  When I told him about some of my issues, he was genuinely shocked and has been much more caring and careful about it.   

It's a journey, huh? 

TIME TO SET SOME REALISTIC MINI-GOALS!!!!!!!

So I have decided that the ultimate KEY to my success is to be on top of my numbers, every minute, every day.  When I'm not THAT DILIGENT, I fail.  EVERY time.

So my plan is this:  Go with my new calorie number.  It's pathetically low; 900-1000 calories per day.  But the sad sad sad sad sad fact is, I LOSE WEIGHT when I eat this amount, and I DON'T LOSE WEIGHT when I eat more than this.  So, what are my options???  I've been counting calories for TWELVE years.  I know my Magic Number; have ALWAYS KNOWN IT.  I just didn't think I could do it.  And seriously, 900-1000 calories per day is a ridiculously tiny amount of sustenance.  The key to surviving on so little is to make EVERY single calorie count.  In other words....... ALL REAL FOOD.  Fresh veggies and fruits.  Lean meats and fish and shrimp.  NO WHEAT.  NO white-flour carbs of ANY KIND.  (Bye-bye, crackers... bagels... cereal... pasta... chips... FUN... )  And beverages - don't even get me started here.  ICE WATER.  Hot tea, cold tea, tea tea tea.  Mineral water. (Aaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!)  NO POP - diet or real.  <sniff>

I know, I know.  It sounds horrendous.  But you know what's even MORE horrendous? 

ME:  In jeggings I've worn since Christmas, because they're the only thing I own that fits. 
ME:  With my 25-year high school reunion looming, and 27 pounds yet to lose. 
ME: Yo-yoing since I started dieting in September of 2010!!! 
ME:  Wah-wah-wah-ing to anyone who will listen, when I know as well as anyone that the only person who is going to get these 108 sticks of lard off my ass is my own pathetic loser self. 
ME:  Who is fit enough to do the elliptical, the treadmill, or go for a walk outside, but who makes every excuse in the book why "I can't do it today." 
ME:  Who will be 27 pounds over-weight forever, if I don't just fucking throw some ice water over my head, get up OFF my fat ass, and do something about this problem that controls my thoughts, my attitude, my time, my days, my LIFE.  ME.  ME ME ME ME ME. 
Yeah, ME.

So it's ON like Donkey Kong, bitches.  And I mean that in the sweetest way!  Time to clean out the cupboards and get the crap out of reach.  How can we be expected to resist food cravings when we surround ourselves with the wrong food options???  We CAN'T.  NOBODY CAN.  Eat up what you have left, and then get to the store.  I just went.  I stocked up both the fridge at home and at work with all of my favorite healthy options for breakfasts (oatmeal, Ezekiel bread for toast, eggs, Greek yogurt, fruit), lunches (gobs of fresh veggies, hummus, lettuce, berries, chicken breasts to bake, low calorie-low-sodium soups, tuna) dinners (venison, shrimp, tilapia, more veggies, brown rice, sweet potatoes), and snacks (gluten-free protein bars, homemade venison slim jims, low-fat string cheese, rice crackers, popcorn, more veggies & fruits, etc.). 

It's amazingly easy to find healthy stuff to eat when you put enough time and effort into really thinking about what you LIKE.  I am finding that there are plenty of healthy things I like to eat - I don't have to starve, even when I'm starving.  Today, I'm staying within my calorie limit: 900-1000 total, spread out over the whole day, and I'm not feeling hungry.  The protein in my eggs, Greek yogurt, and string cheese have squashed my usual cravings.  Eat the right foods... cravings don't happen!  I'm eating so much fresh produce now that I could probably support a small organic farm myself.  I'm pretty happy we have decent gardens at home, because I'm going to be FARMING this summer!

The exercise has to happen for me, period.  The elliptical is good - I don't hate it.  I can throw in a True Blood episode and I don't even notice I'm sweating away.  Same goes for the treadmill.  I also LOVE Tae Bo - it's tough to get through the Basic Workout the first 4 or 5 times you do it, but it's only 20 minutes!!!  And I lose weight when I do it just once a week, and after a few times, it's totally do-able without complaining.  The ab/agility ball is another thing I have to implement.  I bought one, and have never used it - even though it came with an instruction booklet showing a dozen different ways to strengthen my core, flatten my abs, etc.  WHY would I let it sit in the bathtub for 6 fucking months?!?!  Tell me THAT.

So it's on - I'm doing it.  My best tip:  SET GOALS.  Little ones, for every few weeks:  Mine look like this:

By March 31st (St. Scholastica Pow Wow) - 6 or 7 pounds to lose
By April 21st (UWS Pow Wow) - 8 or 9 more pounds to lose
By May 5th (Fond du Lac Pow Wow) - 5 or 6 more pounds to lose
By June 1st - final few pounds to lose!!!!!!!

And each time I reach a mini-goal, I'm rewarding myself!!!  With a NON-FOOD item!!!

At my 3/31 goal, I'm getting waxed & a new piercing, in St. Paul.  (Mid-life crisis, ya know...don't ask...)
At my 4/21 goal, I'm getting my hair cut & colored - I've never had a pro color it!
At my 5/5 goal, I'm getting a new tattoo - and two new piercings.  Yep.  (The child-free trip to St. Paul is part of the reward, duh!)
At my 6/1 goal, I'm getting adjusted (YEAH!) by my cute chiropractor, and I'm getting a MASSAGE!!!

Go for it, ladies!!!  GOALS.  Small and do-able.  FUN rewards!  PAMPER yourselves for succeeding at the most loathsome task ever invented:  Peeling fat from the body, without the benefit of sharp tools.  DISGUSTING!!!

Half-Assing It

I have been doing horrible on the diet front this week.  I just LOVE food so much!  And I hate feeling hungry, like really really hate it.  I see areas where I could improve though, for instance like yesterday when I came home from school and I was STARVING.  I could have had a banana or a piece of toast, but instead I had about 30 crackers with cream cheese on them.  They were SO good, but not exactly beneficial to the diet.

I have been exercising pretty regularly about every other day.  I really pushed it on the elliptical the other day and I think I made my heart muscle sore because my chest still feels weird.  But maybe I'm getting a cold.  I did one of my old workout tapes the other day and was absolutely crippled with muscle soreness yesterday.  I hate when my legs are so sore that I have to put a hand down between my legs to support my weight before I sit down on the toilet or else I will collapse and probably break the seat.

I hate to admit this, but it seems I am the only person looking at this blog lately so I will go ahead and tell you.  I haven't put on a clean pair of pants in two weeks.  Isn't that gross?  I just can't face it.  And the dirty pants are so comfortable.  I also can't face buying a size bigger.

Monday is weigh day and the weekend isn't looking promising as far as being a good dieter.  I dread looking at the scale but I'm going to make myself.

One week and STILL fatter than ever!

I've been dieting again for a week.  I stayed within a calorie range that is supposed to make me lose 1.5 pounds per week, and I went to the Y and did elliptical a few times and, of course, shoveled snow.  I ate less and was more active than I have been in weeks and guess how much I lost?  ZERO POUNDS!!!!  Maybe I'm just stopping the weight gain train and it will take a few weeks.  Right?  Right?????  That must be it.

Dieting highlights my character flaws and I don't want my character flaws highlighted.  If I don't succeed almost immediately, I want to quit.  I'm a quitter.

That's what I think is the hardest thing about dieting.  Struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try again, struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try REALLY hard struggle struggle struggle - lose half a pound when you feel like you should have lost 5.  It sucks.  I'm going to have to shove my fat ass into another pair of too-tight clean pants and live with the cramps, gas and camel toe that goes with it.  Fuck.