Hey Chunkers!!

Anne here!  I'm alive and doing fairly well.  I go thru some pretty intense carbing out phases...seems like an every other week regimine.  I do really good at avoiding the crap, then I binge like a mad woman.  Then I feel like crap...physically and emotionally.  This has been a relatively good week with the exception of yesterday... I ate a half a pizza and then we went to friggen Cold Stone.  That place is EVIL!!!  EEEEEVVVVIIILLLL!!!! 

But I have been kicking ass in my workouts, which has also kicked my appetite in high gear.  I'm always hungry it seems and I want to take an entire roast beef and sit in a locked room and have my way with it!  Protein. GOOD.    Dr. Pat has got me swinging a 60 lbs bell.  YES!  I can do it!!  I hate/love it.  I just loathe the idea of picking up that heavy ass bell and hoisting it from between my legs up to eye level.  I wet myself.  No matter how hard I try to empty out the bladder, there's always a squirt or two (or 1/4 cup) left for pissing myself.  Thank you to the makers of Poise for making it a little more descrete for me. 

But, BUT!! the second I'm done and I drop that weight on the floor I feel insanely amazing!!  Like I could cry tears of joy.  I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I feel like I'm floating off the ground.  Dr. Pat is currently training a guy that does fighting.  I think it's like a mixed martial arts thing...need to get more details, but he tells me that I can press more than this guy and he's in phenom shape.  It's so inspiring to know that I can do that! 

Some days later, I'm seeing the results in the mirror and I'm even happier.  After my last weigh in, I've lost something like 24 or 26 lbs and I love that I've done it the right way. 

Kristin! I have another thing for you to read... in addition to "the wheat belly", now there's "Diabesity".  Google it!  I'm reading an article about it in a magazine that Lisa gave me.  Let's get real about our blood sugar!   When I'm done devouring this article and comprehending all the info, I'll come back here and write about it.   It's enough to scare a person straight.

p.s.  I'm back in therapy.   Just when I thought I was done sitting in that lovely comfy chair in my counselors office...BAM!  I'm back...  As easy as it is for me to say "You're either with me or you're not" to my loved ones that aren't exactly the best supportors, it was taking it's toll.  Anne was sad.  Mr. J is helping me with that though...he did say that change, even a positive change, can bring some resistance from others around us and we're working on that.  Brian has even agreed to join me in some of my sessions... I don't think he even realizes that he can be a real negative nelly.  When I told him about some of my issues, he was genuinely shocked and has been much more caring and careful about it.   

It's a journey, huh? 

TIME TO SET SOME REALISTIC MINI-GOALS!!!!!!!

So I have decided that the ultimate KEY to my success is to be on top of my numbers, every minute, every day.  When I'm not THAT DILIGENT, I fail.  EVERY time.

So my plan is this:  Go with my new calorie number.  It's pathetically low; 900-1000 calories per day.  But the sad sad sad sad sad fact is, I LOSE WEIGHT when I eat this amount, and I DON'T LOSE WEIGHT when I eat more than this.  So, what are my options???  I've been counting calories for TWELVE years.  I know my Magic Number; have ALWAYS KNOWN IT.  I just didn't think I could do it.  And seriously, 900-1000 calories per day is a ridiculously tiny amount of sustenance.  The key to surviving on so little is to make EVERY single calorie count.  In other words....... ALL REAL FOOD.  Fresh veggies and fruits.  Lean meats and fish and shrimp.  NO WHEAT.  NO white-flour carbs of ANY KIND.  (Bye-bye, crackers... bagels... cereal... pasta... chips... FUN... )  And beverages - don't even get me started here.  ICE WATER.  Hot tea, cold tea, tea tea tea.  Mineral water. (Aaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!)  NO POP - diet or real.  <sniff>

I know, I know.  It sounds horrendous.  But you know what's even MORE horrendous? 

ME:  In jeggings I've worn since Christmas, because they're the only thing I own that fits. 
ME:  With my 25-year high school reunion looming, and 27 pounds yet to lose. 
ME: Yo-yoing since I started dieting in September of 2010!!! 
ME:  Wah-wah-wah-ing to anyone who will listen, when I know as well as anyone that the only person who is going to get these 108 sticks of lard off my ass is my own pathetic loser self. 
ME:  Who is fit enough to do the elliptical, the treadmill, or go for a walk outside, but who makes every excuse in the book why "I can't do it today." 
ME:  Who will be 27 pounds over-weight forever, if I don't just fucking throw some ice water over my head, get up OFF my fat ass, and do something about this problem that controls my thoughts, my attitude, my time, my days, my LIFE.  ME.  ME ME ME ME ME. 
Yeah, ME.

So it's ON like Donkey Kong, bitches.  And I mean that in the sweetest way!  Time to clean out the cupboards and get the crap out of reach.  How can we be expected to resist food cravings when we surround ourselves with the wrong food options???  We CAN'T.  NOBODY CAN.  Eat up what you have left, and then get to the store.  I just went.  I stocked up both the fridge at home and at work with all of my favorite healthy options for breakfasts (oatmeal, Ezekiel bread for toast, eggs, Greek yogurt, fruit), lunches (gobs of fresh veggies, hummus, lettuce, berries, chicken breasts to bake, low calorie-low-sodium soups, tuna) dinners (venison, shrimp, tilapia, more veggies, brown rice, sweet potatoes), and snacks (gluten-free protein bars, homemade venison slim jims, low-fat string cheese, rice crackers, popcorn, more veggies & fruits, etc.). 

It's amazingly easy to find healthy stuff to eat when you put enough time and effort into really thinking about what you LIKE.  I am finding that there are plenty of healthy things I like to eat - I don't have to starve, even when I'm starving.  Today, I'm staying within my calorie limit: 900-1000 total, spread out over the whole day, and I'm not feeling hungry.  The protein in my eggs, Greek yogurt, and string cheese have squashed my usual cravings.  Eat the right foods... cravings don't happen!  I'm eating so much fresh produce now that I could probably support a small organic farm myself.  I'm pretty happy we have decent gardens at home, because I'm going to be FARMING this summer!

The exercise has to happen for me, period.  The elliptical is good - I don't hate it.  I can throw in a True Blood episode and I don't even notice I'm sweating away.  Same goes for the treadmill.  I also LOVE Tae Bo - it's tough to get through the Basic Workout the first 4 or 5 times you do it, but it's only 20 minutes!!!  And I lose weight when I do it just once a week, and after a few times, it's totally do-able without complaining.  The ab/agility ball is another thing I have to implement.  I bought one, and have never used it - even though it came with an instruction booklet showing a dozen different ways to strengthen my core, flatten my abs, etc.  WHY would I let it sit in the bathtub for 6 fucking months?!?!  Tell me THAT.

So it's on - I'm doing it.  My best tip:  SET GOALS.  Little ones, for every few weeks:  Mine look like this:

By March 31st (St. Scholastica Pow Wow) - 6 or 7 pounds to lose
By April 21st (UWS Pow Wow) - 8 or 9 more pounds to lose
By May 5th (Fond du Lac Pow Wow) - 5 or 6 more pounds to lose
By June 1st - final few pounds to lose!!!!!!!

And each time I reach a mini-goal, I'm rewarding myself!!!  With a NON-FOOD item!!!

At my 3/31 goal, I'm getting waxed & a new piercing, in St. Paul.  (Mid-life crisis, ya know...don't ask...)
At my 4/21 goal, I'm getting my hair cut & colored - I've never had a pro color it!
At my 5/5 goal, I'm getting a new tattoo - and two new piercings.  Yep.  (The child-free trip to St. Paul is part of the reward, duh!)
At my 6/1 goal, I'm getting adjusted (YEAH!) by my cute chiropractor, and I'm getting a MASSAGE!!!

Go for it, ladies!!!  GOALS.  Small and do-able.  FUN rewards!  PAMPER yourselves for succeeding at the most loathsome task ever invented:  Peeling fat from the body, without the benefit of sharp tools.  DISGUSTING!!!

Half-Assing It

I have been doing horrible on the diet front this week.  I just LOVE food so much!  And I hate feeling hungry, like really really hate it.  I see areas where I could improve though, for instance like yesterday when I came home from school and I was STARVING.  I could have had a banana or a piece of toast, but instead I had about 30 crackers with cream cheese on them.  They were SO good, but not exactly beneficial to the diet.

I have been exercising pretty regularly about every other day.  I really pushed it on the elliptical the other day and I think I made my heart muscle sore because my chest still feels weird.  But maybe I'm getting a cold.  I did one of my old workout tapes the other day and was absolutely crippled with muscle soreness yesterday.  I hate when my legs are so sore that I have to put a hand down between my legs to support my weight before I sit down on the toilet or else I will collapse and probably break the seat.

I hate to admit this, but it seems I am the only person looking at this blog lately so I will go ahead and tell you.  I haven't put on a clean pair of pants in two weeks.  Isn't that gross?  I just can't face it.  And the dirty pants are so comfortable.  I also can't face buying a size bigger.

Monday is weigh day and the weekend isn't looking promising as far as being a good dieter.  I dread looking at the scale but I'm going to make myself.

One week and STILL fatter than ever!

I've been dieting again for a week.  I stayed within a calorie range that is supposed to make me lose 1.5 pounds per week, and I went to the Y and did elliptical a few times and, of course, shoveled snow.  I ate less and was more active than I have been in weeks and guess how much I lost?  ZERO POUNDS!!!!  Maybe I'm just stopping the weight gain train and it will take a few weeks.  Right?  Right?????  That must be it.

Dieting highlights my character flaws and I don't want my character flaws highlighted.  If I don't succeed almost immediately, I want to quit.  I'm a quitter.

That's what I think is the hardest thing about dieting.  Struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try again, struggle struggle struggle - fail.  Try REALLY hard struggle struggle struggle - lose half a pound when you feel like you should have lost 5.  It sucks.  I'm going to have to shove my fat ass into another pair of too-tight clean pants and live with the cramps, gas and camel toe that goes with it.  Fuck.

I'm BACK! And fatter than ever!

It's been a long time but I'm back.  I can't deny it any longer, and I can't continue to test the tensile strength of denim any longer.  I am chunky.  I had to face facts this morning when I was forced to put on a pair of clean jeans because I spilled strawberry short cake all over the pair I had been wearing for days and days, and was planning to continue wearing for days and days.  I really really really didn't want to wear a pair of clean pants today.  You know how it is; those days when you feel extra bloaty (probably from the ginormous piece of cake you had last night) and the thought of slipping into some nicely stretched pants is just plain comforting.  I almost went ahead and wore the dirty jeans again because they are really dark and you couldn't see the stain, but then I thought to myself, "Self, you can't go that low.  Just put on some clean pants."  So I forced my enlarged thighs into the clean pants and if denim fibers were tiny people, they would have linked arms as if preparing for a tsunami, and if those tiny denim fibers could talk they would have said, "CAN'T. HOLD. ON. MUCH. LONGER!" through gritted teeth.  They did manage to hold the line all day, thank goodness, and the pants have loosened considerably throughout the day.  Broken in!  I will not have to put a pair of fresh denim pants on until I loose five pounds, and that, my friends, will make all the difference.

What's my plan THIS time?  Well, the usual.  I'm going weigh myself regularly, track what I eat, and exercise.  Sigh.  Starting tomorrow.  Anne says to cut back on the wheat too.  I'll try that.  But Mama loves her some wheat, so I'm not too optimistic about that.

February SUCKS HAIRY MAGGOTS.

So, yeah.  I've been a hermit.  Only reason being, nothing fantabulous to report.  I've had two decidedly depressing eating months.  Now, I'm hoping for YET ANOTHER re-boot.  Actually, I'm out of time - my class reunion finally looms closer than is comfortable.  By July 7th, I have to be 28.5 pounds lighter, or I'm staying the **ck home.


I've signed up on the free "SparkPeople" site, to help with daily tracking of nutrition and exercise minutes.  Boy, is this a huge help!  I've been carrying around little scraps of paper the past twelve years, with my food intake and exercise scribbled on it.  Now, with the SparkPeople free app for my android phone, I always have my list right in my pocket.  I highly recommend this site for anyone who counts calories, or who would like daily motivation (FREE!) and tips and encouragement.  Kind of like a free Internet guru, LOL!

You can follow it online at:    www.sparkpeople.com
or find the free apps at the android app store.
(This site is very similar to "My Fitness Pal," if you've heard of that one!)

Well, I'm off to plan an Oscars evening at home with my Mom.  I watch the Oscars EVERY YEAR.  I can't remember the last time I've missed them, honestly.  I'm planning big salads and hot tea, instead of chips and pop and other crap food.  Yay.  I'm also planning to be on the elliptical for at least an hour of the show.  Yay.

How's everyone doing out there?  Wondering if anyone still checks this blog?  If so, soldier on, ladies!!!!!!!

Happy February!

I made it through the 4 week challenge.  I only cheated a couple of times (pizza), but I think that's ok considering....

I feel better and look better.  I don't have that puffy look, esp in my face.  And my skin continues to change for the better also.  My weight didn't change much, but that has more to do with my portion control, or lack of it.

I went back to days 1-4 of my diet plan and hello, wake up call.  Even though I have been eating super healthy foods, I've been eating too much of them.  Time to scale it back a notch and on day three, I'm noticing a big difference.

Carry on!