Having the flu is so inspiring!

Hello!  Anne is here and recovering quite slowly from the flu.  ugh.  Something about my body violently extracting all of the contents of my digestive system makes me all excited about eating real, good food again.  Then I visited The Chunkersons blog and Kristin, you have inspired me!  You wrote about snacking on veggies with some homemade dip and now that's all I can think of.   My mom makes this and actually, it's not all bad for us.

Veggie dip:

1 cup mayo (I know, I know)
1 cup cottage cheese
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce (more or less to taste)
1/2 tsp celery seed
1/2 tsp garlic powder
salt to taste
1 small onion grated (more or less to taste)
Mix well and refrigerate. 

I make a half batch for myself.  Mayo?  Yeah, it's not all that bad...and you could use less or substitute yogurt or sour cream if you'd rather.  I like it a lot!  And anything to make those veggies go down a little easier is always good.

I'm making my grocery list and I'm craving fresh strawberries and oranges.   Fish, shrimp, and steak done to perfection.  Sweet potato fries...  gah!  I never knew I loved sweet potatoes!    Now if I could just get enough energy to actually go to the store.  Jello and broth don't really do much for me there.

Could It Really Be.......?

.....so simple?

I SO would love to believe it.  I keep waiting (WEIGHTING???) for the bomb to drop, for the plateau to hit, or for myself to wake up.  I feel like I'm living someone else's weird, surreal life.  This is because I have been trying, and struggling, and fighting, and failing at this dieting bullshit for twenty effing months, and suddenly... the weight is suddenly falling off, and I'm not doing anything crazy, stupendous or monumental, and I'm not hungry, crabby, or starving.  It seems too good to be true, and when something seems that way... it usually is.  Except, this isn't.  This is actually TRUE...


I'll elaborate - but I'll try to condense:


FIRST:

I'm counting every calorie.  I've been doing this for over twelve years, almost every day.  I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I know that it DOES work for ME.  When I count, I lose.  When I don't... I don't.  So, I must.  So, I am.  I'm using the SparkPeople.com free website and app for my phone, and I'm entering in every single frickin' calorie, right down to my sugarless gum and chewy vitamin C.  I know that sounds obsessive.  I do.  But... I also know that when I'm 100% accountable to myself, I see the results that I want - the success I've been struggling so hard to reach.  I have now come to that point where I'm just SO sick and tired of these excess pounds.  I've been carrying, on average, 35 pounds more than I'm comfortable with for the past 20 months, and I've been yo-yoing up and down, up and down, every week/month with no real lasting progress.  I stick to my diligent plan for a week, maybe two, then I have a birthday dinner, or a Book Club meeting, and that ONE splurge throws my motivation and my willpower all out of whack, and before I know it, I've gained back anything I've lost, PLUS I add a few pounds onto that.  The yo-yoing is depressing, debilitating, and emotionally crippling.  And up to this point it has ruled my life, week after week, month after month, for twenty months.  On April 22nd, I finally hit my breaking point.  I was just fed-up.  I couldn't do the yo-yoing anymore.  I was just... DONE.  And that was that.  I re-evaluated everything I was doing, tried to pinpoint everything I was doing WRONG, and re-vamped my strategy - again. 

SECOND:

I am exercising EVERY DAY for 60-90 minutes EARLY in the morning.  This is the single-most amazing transformation that has happened in my life since April 23rd.  (The day I consider my most recent "start-over" day).  I set my alarm for 5:45 a.m., and I'm on the treadmill or elliptical machine by 6:15.  EVERY day.  Once the weather is warm enough that early, I could walk on the road out by our house - though I'll have to carry a handgun, to scare off the bears, cougars, and coyotes.  The more I think of it... I may just stay indoors.  I do not move fast.  Many days, I barely break much of a sweat.  But the early morning movement has completely changed how I feel physically, and mentally.  I used to lie in bed every morning for a full hour, listening to my teenager getting ready for school, and then I'd haul my ass up at 7:15 to say goodbye to her as she headed out to the bus stop.  Now, instead of just listening to her getting ready, I'm watching a movie or a Netflix t.v. show, and I'm moving and getting my blood pumping and my sluggish metabolism going.  I promise you, if this were not making me feel so much better, I would not say that it is.  But the craziest part of all is that my appetite has DISAPPEARED.  This can only be the result of the increased metabolism due to the exercise, because it's the only piece that's a major change for me.  I've done the 1200-calorie thing for twelve years, and most days, I stick to that.  What my new success proves to me is, I can't lose the weight - or have any hope of controlling my appetite or cravings - UNLESS I GET MY ASS MOVING.  And for me, the early morning time-slot seems to be the missing link.  I fly off the machine after 60 or 90 minutes and I cannot wait to start the day!  WTF?!  I used to drag my ass around all day with ZERO energy.  Now, I have so much energy all damn day long I don't know what the hell to do with it all.  The most insane side-effect is the decreased appetite.  It is 6:40 p.m. right now, and I have consumed exactly 450 calories so far today.  And, I've barely noticed!  I feel so good and so pumped up, both by the dropping number on my scale AND by the energy surge I have all day, that I literally have trouble hitting 900 calories by 9:00 p.m. most days.  Here's a news flash:  If you eat 900-1000 calories per day, and exercise (a.k.a., WALK) 60-90 minutes every day... you are GOING to lose 3-4 pounds per week.  PERIOD.  It's impossible to gain or even maintain when you're riding a calorie deficit like that.  If I was hungry, or lacking energy as a result of my low-calorie intake or my exercising, then I would not be able to do this!  But the exact opposite is happening.  I'm literally sitting here tonight scratching my head, saying, "Shouldn't I be starving right now?  Why am I not even HUNGRY for supper?"  It's weird and crazy and thrilling, all at once.

THIRD:

I'm eating right.  Healthy, REAL foods.  I'm also not eating white-flour carbs, or refined sugar.  And the nuttiest part is, I'M NOT CRAVING THEM ANYMORE.    I'm eating only when I'm hungry, and then only a single serving of something healthy, like a serving of fresh veggies with a little light veggie dip I make at home, or hummus; a bowl of mixed fresh fruits, a couple rye crackers with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese on it (bleu cheese is my favorite!); a burger made with ground venison (no bun - and only a little mustard for flavor) or a taco salad with taco-seasoned ground venison, lettuce, tomato, a tiny bit of shredded taco cheese, and some salsa; a light string cheese or Greek yogurt when I'm craving dairy; a serving of dry roasted peanuts or raw almonds when I'm craving something crunchy; some fresh fish here and there, or a baked chicken breast.  I'm drinking only ice water, hot teas, cold-brewed iced teas, one cup of coffee in the morning, and I have discovered a NEW MIRACLE BEVERAGE that I have to share:  SoBe Lifewater - naturally sweetened (with a stevia-based extract), and 6 or 7 DELICIOUS flavors!  They're $1 per bottle at WalMart.  I actually found a picture of my three favorites - the Yumberry Pomegranate is UNBELIEVABLE!  I sip it all day, and I DO NOT CRAVE POP!  I highly recommend it. 

That's it, in a nutshell.  Three basic things.

1.  Count every calorie and stick between 1000 and 1200 daily.
2.  Exercise (walk) an hour or more every day, even slowly.  Just get MOVING.
3.  Eat healthy food.  No garbage/crap/junk.  No fast food.  No sugar or white flour.  A.K.A.. HEALTHY STUFF.

A final note:  I'm finding that the old mantra, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" applies to me today.  This morning, I went to Big Apple Bagel.  I ordered a Breakfast B.L.T. with plain cream cheese on a cheddar herb bagel - for my supervisor at work.  I ordered a plain bagel for my 3-year-old to munch on before gymnastics.  But even though Big Apple is one of my favorite snack spots, I didn't order a thing for myself.  Why?  HOW???  Because NOTHING - not even my beloved bagels - taste as good as the way I have felt the past 29 days.  I am nine pounds down in four weeks, and I don't just feel great physically as a result (I went out and bought a pair of size 5 jeggings at Deb, and they're NOT tight - WTF?!), but I also feel amazing mentally!  Totally empowered, completely in control of my eating (for once) and my food choices, and not willing to sabotage myself any longer.  I was SO in denial until now.  I would tell myself, "It's just ONE cookie!"  Or, "It's just ONE little McDonald's Junior Cheeseburger!"  I thought a single serving here or there of something unhealthy wasn't enough to derail me.  But of course, those cheats DO derail us.  Not necessarily physically, or diet-wise.  But emotionally, and mentally.  Those little cheats are what convince us that we're not going to succeed; that we're slaving away and starving ourselves for nothing, because we're still the same weight we've been for months - or years.  We have one or two little slip-ups and we feel like we're doomed to FAIL, and we feel like we can't do it and that we're NEVER going to succeed.  It's this revelation that allowed me to walk out of Big Apple this morning empty-handed, and that keeps me out of the McDonald's drive-through on the way to work, and out of the pop machines I pass everywhere.  I CAN'T eat the bad stuff if I want to lose this weight.  This does not mean that I will never taste a bagel again, or drink a can of Coke again, or go through DQ again.  Of course I will!  But what it DOES mean is, I cannot do those things right NOW - AT ALL.  Not even a little.  NOT EVEN ONCE.  One slip is all it takes to derail me emotionally, unfortunately.

Sorry this got so long, but... I had to share.   

State of the Diet Address

I FINALLLLLLLLYYY lost one pound.  I've been on my diet, my MILITANT diet, all of May and first I gained a half a pound, and now I have lost a whole pound.  Or should I say; four sticks of butter.  I have lost four sticks of butter.  I'd like to say I "officially" lost four sticks of butter, but you can't really count those sticks of butter as weight lost until you lose 20 or 25 sticks of butter.  I bet my body fluctuates all day long and I if I weighed myself any time other than first thing in the morning, after a productive poop, buck naked starving and dehydrated, I would be disappointed.  No, not disappointed.  Suicidal. 

My pants were not painful to put on (clean) this morning and that counts for a lot with me.  Because I have been so disappointed with my lack-of-weight-loss, I have reluctantly decided to increase my level and frequency of exercise.  Gross.  I'm getting old and it sucks.  Exercise is painful.  I am so incredibly out of shape from a winter of watching MeTV and sitting on my ass.  The first few times I rode my bike this year were painful.  The first time I did it, it was so hard that I thought my tires must be flat.  They weren't.  The biking is getting easier, but it's still shockingly hard.  Last year it was a dream.  It was so fun because it was so easy.  This year I see a hill; or more correctly, I see a slight incline; and I want to cry. 

I've been walking a lot too.  I usually walk four miles because that is a country block.  I've been aiming to do it in an hour and I'm almost making it.  I'm only off by a few minutes.  My butt is sooooo sore.  And I think I have arthritis in my right hip.  No, I KNOW I have arthritis in my hip.  Sometimes it hurts like a sonofabitch and I have started having to sleep with a pillow between my knees. 

I also started an exercise routine to do on days when I don't walk or bike or do a tape.  It's just lunges and squats and crunches and stuff.  I do about 30 minutes and call it good. 

I've been trying to be HEALTHY lately and have been only feeding myself stuff my body actually needs.  I'm off refined sugar and white flour.  I eat enough vegetables to choke a horse, and I even switched from coffee to tea.  I've been reading labels and I still don't think Diet Coke is so bad.  I got a water out of a machine today and I thought it was plain, but it is strawberry flavored (gross).  It has almost twice as much sodium as DC and is sweetened with aspartame, just like Coke.  Diet Coke would be better for me than this water. 

That is the current state of the diet.  Not so bad.  Not great, but not so bad.   

I feel better

I'm starting to come down from my usual bad attitude that always happens the first few weeks of starting a new diet.  I'm not all the way there, not feeling exactly positive, but I am getting better.  Friday was a terrible day.  I got on the scale in the morning, all excited to see the results of starving myself all week and I did not lose one single ounce.  Not one ounce.  I was exactly the same as I was the week before the under-a-thousand-calorie-a-day diet kickoff.  Talk about discouraging!  Then I went on to have a HORRIBLE day at work, came home to a dirty house and was beside myself with anger and discouragement so I went to the gym in an attempt to burn off my overwhelming irritation with the whole day.  I did a hard hour on the elliptical and tired myself out.

The next morning I weighed myself again, and I was down 1.5 pounds.  Why couldn't the scale have said that the day before?  How frustrating.  But of course, anything within three pounds is legit, so I don't know why it matters so much.

So this week I've decided to up the intake to 1200 calories a day, which after last week, I don't think will be that hard.  On Slimkicker I've adjusted my RDA to include more carbs and slightly less protein.  For now anyway.  I just feel better with more carbs.  When I adjust to this, maybe I'll try to lower the carbs and increase the protein, but for now, I'm keeping it where it is.

Today I made a recipe that when I first heard about it I thought, "Gross."  but the more I thought about it the more interested I was to try it.  It is for brownies with a mix, but instead of adding oil, egg, and water, you add a can of black beans.

two things that don't seem to go together

When you open the beans, you are supposed to rinse them to get the black syrupy gunk off them (hungry yet?) and then fill the can (with the beans still in there) with water and then blend that up so there are no big bits of beans.  It should be kind of thick, but smooth.  It does NOT smell very good.  Then you add the beans to the mix and fold together and put in the pan and cook as directed.  That's it.  They smelled pretty good while cooking.  Here's what they looked like when they came out:

Not bad!  I tried one and they were very good.  You can't even tell they are made with beans.  One pan is equal to 18 servings:

About like this

One brownie has:

148 calories

2g fat

205mg sodium

32g carbs

2g fiber

2g protein

0 cholesterol

19g sugar

I still think protein is bullshit

Yes, I can see how early morning exercise would be beneficial:  feeling good all day, AND knowing that you have the exercising bit out of the way and don't have to dread it for the rest of the day, and I am hoping to incorporate that in my schedule this summer, but for now I usually have to be to work by about 7:15 or so and there is, as you so aptly put it "No Fucking Way" I am getting up at 5:00 AM to exercise.  Getting up at 6:00 is painful enough.  I am not what you would call a morning person.

I ate more than my RDA of carbs and sugar yesterday and I felt 1000 times better than I had on the days I was eating mostly protein.  I am  not even exaggerating.  Today I ate around a thousand calories and more carbs than is recommended and again I feel way WAY better.  I think I need the carbs.  And even if a high protein/low carb diet is better for me, feeling like that was BULLSHIT.  I felt like gravity was heavier and the atmosphere was like soup.  It was hard to even move.  A couple dozen more grams of carbs makes all the difference to me so I say fuck conventional wisdom.  If I felt like that much longer I would have had to be hospitalized for depression.  The only real differences I made were that I had a teeny bowl of raisin bran for breakfast instead of eggs, an apple with lunch instead of some kind of vegetable, and I had some baked Lays with my veggie sub for dinner.  That's it!  I'm not even hungry right now.

Tomorrow is the first weigh day since I've been starving to death, so we will see if I took off some poundage or if my body went in to shock and is holding on like grim death to every single ounce of fat I ever had.

Wish me luck!

DO NOT DESPAIR!!! I have found a missing link!

Do not despair, Sarah!!!  I have a possible solution for you, which I have stumbled upon TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT...

So, by now you suspect that the desperation diet is miserable.  I agree.  I did a couple days of under 1000 calories, and by 9:00 p.m. I was delirious with hunger and cravings.  I fell into bed three nights in a row hoping it would somehow morph into a vat of apple pie.  Of course, it didn't.

 That was Wednesday, April 18th.  I was trying to lose a few pounds for my visit with Sarah (Head) Brown in Eden Prairie on Saturday the 21st.  This was my first time away from the 3 1/2-year-old since she was born.  And also, my first trip alone in...forever.  ?!

So I wanted to look and feel good.  I didn't.  I got down there, and there was Sarah, and she has just lost 20+ pounds!  She looked FABULOUS.  Of course, I asked her how she did it.  LOW CARBS.  Duh.

So, this much I know:  Carbs are the devil, and sugar specifically is the devil's employer.  I returned home on Sunday with a renewed purpose and determination and decided that after seeing Sarah, I needed to dig deep and finally find the missing link to my success, as well as my missing motivation.  

You will never guess where I found it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found it at 6:00 a.m.

Yep, you read that right.  Why didn't anyone ever tell me that 6:00 a.m. would be the fucking key to my weight-loss success?!  Or, did someone tell me this at some random point during my last TWELVE YEARS OF YO-YO DIETING, and I just decided not to listen?!

Whichever it is, I'm listening now.

Here's what happened:  I came home from visiting Sarah.  I sat down with pen and paper.  I started to brainstorm.  I wrote down everything I felt I was doing right, as well as wrong, in my efforts to lose weight.  (This is the former-teacher-Virgo-instinct in me; I like to make lists and feel I've been organized in my approach to whatever it is that...I'm approaching.)

So I ended up with this long list - the good, the bad, and the blatantly ugly.  Written out that way, it wasn't hard to see what was missing.  EXERCISE.  As hard as I've tried to fit it into my life, I haven't been able to do any type of exercise consistently.  So I looked at my calendar, my daily schedule, my life in general - to try once again to find the time.  Do you know where I found it???

 6:00 a.m.

Now, before you say, "FUCKING HELL NO!", do know that I have NEVER DONE a single early morning work out - of any kind - not a walk, not a machine, NOTHING - in my ENTIRE LIFE.  This is not an exaggeration.  I haven't.

But the reality hit me that most days, I am too damn tired when I get home from work and grocery-shopping and being the teen's taxi and everything else to drag my ass onto a machine or throw in a work out tape.  Most days, the thought doesn't even enter my mind.  I get home, sometimes I make some little dinner for the husband and kids, and I fall asleep putting the toddler to bed at 9:30.  Sound familiar?  I feel the same.  Dog-ass-tired, mentally exhausted, unmotivated, and nowhere near interested in breaking a sweat at the end of a long day. 

So, if I can't work out after work, when can I?

There is only one other possible time for me, and it was not something I have ever considered before... 6:00 a.m.  But I'm also already awake at that time every week-day morning, getting the teenager up and on the bus by 7:15.  What do I usually do from 6:00 a.m. (when the teen's alarm goes off) until 7:15???  I lie on the couch, sometimes reading my Nook, sometimes fiddling with Facebook on my phone, sometimes sipping a cup of tea, and sometimes too tired to do anything but stare at the wall.  But.......I never fall back asleep, since I must make sure the teen gets out the door.

 I couldn't deny the obvious any longer.  6:00 a.m. was my only chance to workout.  So, last Monday, April 23rd, I started.  That was 10 days ago.  And in the past 10 days, I have done SEVEN hour-long workouts (alternating between treadmill and elliptical machine), and TWO ninety-minute ones!!!  I need to emphasize something very important here:  I HATE WORKING OUT and I HATE SWEATING.

But after only TEN days, I can honestly say that I now LOVE exercising at 6:00 a.m.  Here's why:

* I get quiet time to myself!  The hubby and toddler are still asleep, until 7:30.  By then, I'm done working out and I feel weirdly empowered and energized!

* I get to watch t.v.!  I have so far watched several True Blood episodes, and am now in the middle of the Twilight movies again.  Next will be tons of Netflix t.v. series shows!  Do you know what happens when you get to zone out to great t.v. while you exercise?  Yep, you don't even realize you're doing it!!!

* When I get done, I have more energy than I know what to do with!  The best part is, THIS BUZZ NEVER LEAVES ME, all day!  It's part increased metabolism, part adrenaline high, and part feeling great and proud of myself for getting my workout over and done with before my day even begins!

* Every hour - or even half hour of exercise - burns hundreds of calories!  And because of this, I don't have to deal with the starvation plan any more.  I can eat my 1200 calories, and still drop the weight.  As proof, I have lost FIVE POUNDS in the past 10 days - simply my adding in the 6:00 a.m. cardio-burn.

* The MOST EARTH-SHATTERING effect of the early morning exercise has been this:  My hunger has disappeared.  ALL OF IT.  I have no cravings for carbs.  Have not craved sugar - not even a little bit.  I HAVE NOT HAD A CAN OF POP - real OR diet - IN 10 DAYS!!!  I have not been able to manage this in TWELVE YEARS!

 Yes, I've also been conscious of my food choices, but not obsessively so.  Yes, I've been trying to plan my meals and snacks ahead of time, and surround myself at home and at work with only healthy options.  I have fresh veggies and fruits and wheat-free crackers (LOVE rice crackers!) and low-fat cheese (LOVE Laughing Cow Bleu Cheese!) and venison and fish and chicken available at all times.  NO white flour products anywhere - but with the exercise, I haven't even missed it!  THIS IS CRAZY!!!  The exercise  - but specifically the early-morning exercise - has KILLED my appetite, and it carries me through my entire day, and never leaves me!  At 10:00 p.m. last night, I ate four huge strawberries (for a whopping 68 calories), and I was so full I couldn't eat another bite.  My calorie total for yesterday was 808 calories.  I WASN'T HUNGRY for anything more than that!  WTF?!

 I'm drinking nothing but ice water (LOTS of it, with lemon slices!), cold-brewed ice tea, hot tea (black, white, and green!), a little 1% milk here and there, a cup of coffee once every few days, and no alcohol.  If I crave a drink, I'll have a glass of my favorite sangria.  Flavonoids, right?

 I have more energy than I know what to do with.  Ten days after starting, I have no desire to stop now.  It's 5:45 p.m. right now, and I am LOOKING FORWARD to my elliptical time tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.!  What kind of freak does that?!

My best advice at this point is:

1.  Ditch the 700 calorie plan.  Still count calories - I believe wholeheartedly that it's impossible to lose weight and be accountable without counting calories, measuring portions, and knowing the numbers involved.  The difference between 1200 and 2400 sometimes can be no more than a few BITES, right?

2.  If you can, exercise in the early morning to jump-start your day.  Just to give it a fair chance (because what do you have to lose, other than pounds???), I challenge you to commit to doing it for just ONE WEEK, and do it EVERY DAY.  If you don't have a machine at home, just go outside and WALK.   Walk walk walk; you don't need anything but shoes.  One hour at a swift pace - NOT jogging - burns between 600 and 700 calories!  I swear to you - you will feel BETTER physically (and the mental high is the bonus!), and you won't want to stop!    If you feel crappy after a week, I will eat my shorts, sweat and all.

3.  Make your "favorite foods" list to help you with grocery shopping.  This is the single-most important reason why my house is not full of crap food as I type this.  I made a list.  I brainstormed all my favorite fresh and frozen fruits, fresh veggies, lean meats (tilapia - salmon - venison - baked chicken breasts - shrimp stir-fry - tuna flaked on a big salad...), beans and legumes, dairy products like Greek yogurt (twice the protein!), light string cheese (60-70 calories each!), low-fat cottage cheese (but SO expensive now!), beverages, wheat-free grains, snacks (Light microwave popcorn! Rice cakes!), and condiments (HUMMUS!).  I make my own veggie dip with Light Sour Cream and Hidden Valley Ranch Dip Mix, and when raw veggies aren't doing it for me, I toss them in a bowl with two tablespoons of my light dip.  (It's only 30 calories, and delish!)  I have a cupboard full of soups under 250 calories per can, and a few frozen Indian meals for when I'm lazy or uninspired.  Make your list, and surround yourself with as much healthy stuff to eat - to give yourself the OPTIONS that will prevent you from getting bored - and don't buy any crap.  You don't have to eat mostly protein to succeed, either.  Don't buy the chips, snack crackers, pop, whatever.  The kids don't need it any more than we do, right?  I have started cooking with Lauren, and teaching her how to count calories and make better food choices, and you know what she went and did?!  She lost 15 pounds!  FAST.

If you find you're at a loss and need ideas for your food list, my list is at the end of the following post from my blog, from last October:

http://otherblatantlies.blogspot.com/2011/10/epiphany.html

Final note:  By far, the biggest change I have noticed in the past 10 days has been mental and emotional.  I am EXCITED about this!  (Can you tell?!)  I feel like I have found a Magic Formula.  I don't feel utterly clueless for the first time in TWENTY MONTHS.  Exactly 20 months ago, I weighed 159.  Today, I weigh 147.  Only twelve measly pounds lost, after 20 months of pain, disappointment, depression, starving myself, desperation, lack of motivation, and misery - and FIVE of those twelve pounds were lost in the past 10 days!!!!!!!

There had to be a missing piece of the puzzle.  I know I have found it.  Now, when I work out in the morning, I am mentally and physically energized and charged up to start my day by 7:30.  I have no problem ignoring little cravings during the day now, because I tell myself "don't screw up the good you did by getting on the machine at the ass-crack of dawn, you idiot!"  So it has become very easy to walk away from the carbs!  I never could have predicted this, EVER.  But I'm walking proof that it's true!

I have to lose 2.8 pounds every week to hit my pre-pregnancy weight by my husband's class reunion on June 30th.  After discovering this early-morning missing link, I'm not worried any more about not reaching this goal.  

I KNOW I will do it!

WORD.

I feel like crap

Okay, Kristin.  I'll join your club but I'll probably just bawl through every meeting.  Get ready.

I've been on my desperation diet for several days now and it's fucking hard and miserable, like I knew it would be.  I do NOT feel better.  I find myself dragging through the day and so exhausted at night that I go to bed around 9:00.  I think it's because I've been eating about 700 calories a day in an effort to kickstart some weightloss, and also, about half of those calories are coming from protein.  I hate protein.  I like carbs.

I am actually enjoying eating veggies.  I get "ancient" red bell peppers (they are dark red and kind of skinny and long) from Sam's Club and they are delicious.  I also got sugar snap peas which I really like.  I have choked down some cauliflower and broccoli, but I don't know how long I can do that.  I have been eating lots of fish and beef and beans and shrimp.  I haven't had a sugary sweet since I started, (oh wait a minute, Kira made some instant pudding the other day and I ate that) but I don't really miss it that much.  When I haven't been eating sugar for a while, I find it makes me incredibly thirsty when I have something with a lot of refined sugar in it.  Thirsty to the point of discomfort.  Last night we had some tiny steaks I got from Walmart and a salad.  It was good but like I said, I feel like gravity is stronger somehow because I'm so run down.  I couldn't stop myself from having half a mini-bagel in the hopes that it would give me some energy.  It didn't.

I'm thinking about giving up coffee and having tea instead.  I like a hot drink in the morning, but I am getting a little tired of coffee.  It smells good but it tastes like bad breath to me.  And the caffeine boost is a little over the top.

I've been doing good with exercise.  I have gone swimming, did a workout tape, rode my bike, went for a long walk.  Yesterday I took the day off from exercising because I just wasn't up for it.

I think I'm losing weight, but I haven't gotten on the scale yet.  I'm doing that on Friday.  This drastic change in diet has sort of caused a depression relapse which I'm hoping will subside when my body gets used to the healthier me.

So, on the plus side:  I think I'm losing weight.  On the negative side:  I feel like shit physically and emotionally.   If things don't change I might have to revert back to a 90% carb diet again.  Protein is bullshit.